Admissions.

For a little background--I am not a particularly shy person about my shortcomings.  This does not mean that I support unreserved advertising and outpouring of every private piece of information one might have; what it does mean, however, is that I reached a place in my life where I felt very comforted in the belief that I did not have to carry around years of shame until I die.  That I, too, was allowed grace, and I could ultimately forgive myself.

I don't believe that others have to extend their forgiveness to me, my life, or my decisions.  This comes from truly believing that I don't have a right to expect anything from others; I will be judged by others, I will not always be forgiven, and my actions certainly will not always be met with approval.  

But, I will not carry the judgments of others as my burden.  That is their burden to carry.

With that being said, I've been periodically chastised over the past several years for how I have chosen to practice and live.  I've come to understand that the way I strive to live, although often failing, and my adopted beliefs, have been misconstrued and interpreted as my being pretentious and self-righteous, and, dare I say, even misleading.  

So, I made a weird decision today.  I decided that I would advertise some of my life.  I decided that I would show whomever decides to read this that I am not afraid of being candid; that whatever outside judgments there might be would be better focused on what I have actually done or do believe.  I wouldn't want to waste those judgments on pure speculation.  Eat up!

LET'S START WITH SOME OF MY MORE "UNHOLIER" BELIEFS

• I believe in abortion.  I believe in abortion for many reasons, but in the general sense, I believe in it because I believe that society is currently failing our youth in many ways.  Resources for learning how to be a healthy parent are scarily difficult to access, leaving many children under-guided; the media propagates the high value of sex appeal, pleasure without consequence, and the privileges of "adulthood;" and sex education has been reduced to a swap meet for exchanging bragging rights and flavoured condoms.  OUR YOUTH HAVE NO YOUTH.  They are burdened with the responsibility of making adult decisions long before they are mentally or emotionally capable of understanding the full scope of the outcomes of those decisions.  Brawn/beauty is valued over "brains," and these children maintain that childlike mentality well into their adult years. Because of this, I can not bear to assert that a 19 year-old who can't even decide what to major in at University should be responsible for understanding the spectrum of consequences which await them after impulsivity.  Impulsiveness has been a prized quality due to the romanticism which has swept our nation.  I believe in abortion because we have given our youth the keys to the playground without posting the rules of play. We are now so complex that many parents believe their kids are being cheated of their youth (and they are in many ways), and that they should be allowed some fun, but unfortunately the parents don't have the time to supervise, so the kids are left to suss it all out on their own.  OF COURSE A CHILD IS GOING TO CHOOSE INSTANT PLEASURE.  We're teaching them to.  I believe in abortion because all we've said is "Don't have sex or you'll get an std/get pregnant/get her pregnant."  But we haven't spent the hours and days needed to explain to those children that babies are hard, pregnancy is hard, supporting another life is hard, getting rid of an oozy penis/crusty cooter is hard! And until we have given our youth that education, we can NOT expect for them to make educated decisions.  So, I believe in abortion because we allow our children to be educated by everything and everyone, trusting their underdeveloped judgment, and expect an outcome that won't affect US.  Abortion, in the broad and commonly perceived notion of irresponsibility, is our burden to bear as a society because we are not doing our part to parent our children fully.

• I don't believe in "God."  I don't believe in God not because I believe in some other form of spirituality; it's not because I have been persuaded or disenchanted; it's not because I have been exposed to "Satan;" it's not because I "gave up" or was weak; I don't believe in God because I just don't.  It doesn't work for ME.  I believe that spiritual beliefs are beautiful, cathartic, and foundationally good.  I believe that, for many, faith in something higher is extremely beneficial.  I have just simply found a different way, which I feel works best for ME, to walk through this life.  I don't force my beliefs on others, and most often don't even talk about my deeply personal beliefs with others.  I don't feel pulled to persuade anyone from their beliefs or towards mine.  I believe in live-and-let-live.  I have invested in the idea that I want the right to believe in whatever I feel works for me, and that others deserve that consideration as well.  I don't think anyone who believes in God, gods, animism, or ju-ju is delusional.  I am comforted with all the good deeds in the world, and bad, enough to trust that there is a balance which I need to respect.  And even though I do not fulfill my own expectations often, I believe in compassion, forgiveness, and acceptance. 

• I believe that, as adults, we are responsible for every single thing that happens in our lives.  When I found out that my marriage had been violated by adultery, I took responsibility.  Sure, my husband was the one who decided he liked his penis better inside of  a stripper.  But, I refused to blame anyone else for my pain.  I refused to be ravaged with contempt, resentment, and hatred.  That's not to say I didn't have my moments of weakness, because I did, but I didn't allow it to rule my life or decisions.  I decided that even if my pain didn't allow me to see my shared responsibility in the situation, it was still there, and ONE DAY I would be able to see it.  I also decided that I would be responsible for any and all actions I took after finding out, and that once I had grown past the pain, I would need to be able to respect myself.  So, I chose compassion instead of retaliation (most of the time).  This is an extreme example, but I'm using it to emphasize my point--we can always make excuses to abdicate ourselves of responsibility.  But, according to my beliefs, if ANYTHING affects us, then there is a tie. . .there is something amidst the pain, anger, etc., that binds us to the situation.  One can not be affected by something that they have no tie to.  So, in the end, I believe that if we look hard enough, we'll certainly be able to find our role in any situation.  It's simply up to each of us whether or not we want to accept the responsibilities of that.

MORE TO COME LATER.

Until then,

xx

 

Fundamentalism.

My relativism has reached such a point that I am finding myself being somewhat intolerant. Intolerance is not a quality I admire in anyone, and least of all myself. Tolerance, acceptance, respect, compassion. . .these are all principles which I have previously prized myself on practicing.

When I find myself in a situation where any fundamentalist rhetoric is being regurgitated, I often come to the defense of the converse of the argument--whether or not I believe in it.

I truly believe that any/everyone has the right to perceive the world in a way that helps them best cope with what it means to be 'human.'

The catch-22 there is that, often, people abuse that right. When someone's perception of any one thing is used in a proselytizing manner, without consent, it is a direct violation of sovereignty! To share one's beliefs as a perspective is 'one thing,' as is said, but to maintain and advertise that all other beliefs are defunct, or at the very least irrelevant, is a crime; to cheat ones self of any truths is condemning--to even attempt to cheat others of that freedom is blasphemous to what we've been gifted: our humanity.

With all of that being said, there is a certain personality to be wary of, and that is the jockier. The jockier is the predecessor to the dictator. The jockier is a man on a mission; "convert and conquer" is his motto. Why his personality is such is not something I'll endeavor to uncover in great depth; I will simply say that such a person has likely been the unfortunate recipient of a gross amount of oppression (in whatever areas that were significantly important to their ego), so much so that being heard and revered is of the upmost importance to them over all other gifts in life. The jockier may sometimes, though not always, unveil a character filled with anger, resentment, absoluteness, and, to my misfortune, intolerance. With little-to-no room for opposition, except when assured of their 'competence,' the jockier leads his band of merry-misfits into the promise land of ignorance; ostracism is almost guaranteed, except in their manufactured sub-culture, and those that follow are sustained only by the approved nourishment of the jockier.

Sure, not all jockiers are such extremists--they can be somewhat democratic, allowing, within reasonable confines, the collective to make minimal decisions; but, in reality, whatever dogma has dominated is the one that will prevail.

I have compassion for the jockier; what I do not have is tolerance. This incessant need of theirs, which is impressed upon others in the form of condescending communications/behavior, done so to aid in the stroking and encouraging of their own boisterous and arrogant pseudo-intelligence--based on affirmations obtained through biased 'research'--and self-righteous, judgmental and dogmatic speeches, is an infringement upon the personal rights of each person subjected to such behavior.

In short, I suppose, my newest mission is to be tolerant with boundaries. I am a relativist; I will hold few things as absolutes; with my consent I will listen freely; without my consent I will exert my belief that we are all equals, and with that in mind I get to CHOOSE how and when I am spoken to.

It is no matter to me what a jockier is preaching--be they Christians, Muslims, Atheists, Naturalists, or Care Bear-ists, lobbying for their cause--if I am shown respect for my autonomy previous to the unloading of principles, I will listen and take all things into consideration with respect and reverence to those beliefs.

One cannot expect to jockey a cause successfully through domination; we must be free to decide, or not be free at all.

xx

B

Fever.

Peggy Lee sings about it.  It's passion.  It's FIRE.  Which means it's dangerous.

The Beatles sing "All you need is love."  Tell that to the estimated 10.4 million single mothers and 2.5 million single fathers in the US.  I might politely suggest that love is far from their most immediate needs.  Of course, conversely, trying to explain THAT to the roughly 3,000 people A DAY that commit suicide may be a difficult argument--for more than one reason; chiefly because trying to explain anything to a dead person is a bit of a moot point, hm?

What argument am I trying to make here?  Love is perilous.  It's hazardous to our health and overall well-being as we put ourselves in such an incredibly vulnerable state that we are susceptible to almost anything.  Why is this?  Love is empyreal.  We have so many chemicals that almost literally put our bodies into auto-pilot that we find ourselves often times feeling like we have no control over our emotions, namely love.  Estrogen, Testosterone, Serotonin, Oxytocin, Dopamine, Norepinephrine....these, and more, are some of the culprits that lead to our "love."  Love is almost literally a drug.  It can't be described adequately with words, sure; but the discourse one might have after an experience is usually great, especially if that person experiences any pain related to it.  Indeed, there are other ineffable experiences like having a child, colours, the soul, etc, but love is the most intoxicating and obsessive, and can leave a person in such a state of disarray that they might be almost unrecognizable by those who "know" them.  

I'm not one to "bag" on love usually.  I'm a firm believer in pleasure, and experiencing love and almost everything that it brings with it can be truly sublime--for however long it might last.  So is it really as the moth explains?  (See below)

the lesson of the moth

By Don Marquis, in "archy and mehitabel," 1927

i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense

plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity

but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself

archy

 

Maybe it is worth all the pain and agony that could [possibly] accompany it.  As for me and my house, I'm sure we'd break if we endeavored it any time soon.  So, for now I'll enjoy half the happiness but twice the longevity of my mental health.  

Here's to happiness, tranquility and mental health....hopefully I find a treasure map to them soon.

At the speed of LIFE.

Being that light always travels at a constant speed it might be better to measure by the speed of life.

A similarity between light and life, that I happen to enjoy, is that it exists whether we can actually see it or not.  And while some animals can see light in ways that humans can not, so it can be said about life.  Also (I think I'll start every sentence with an A, will I?)...ahem, ALSO, select human beings somehow manage to see the spectrum of life differently than what I might say MOST do.  I particularly NEED these people.  As it stands I am on a whole other wave length than the majority of people that I know.  I know, we ALL feel "so alone" in so many ways and to consider myself unique in that sense is insensitive and altogether unrealistic.  However, I feel like I am in an experiment in which there is a control group and I am the free radical.  

Or maybe I'm a placebo.  I don't know.  I can imagine it all now, "Here, take this and let us know if you see an improvement."  And of course, people think they're improved by me....but really, it's always been in them to be who I showed them they could be.  I was just a boost of confidence is all.  In any case, I'm happy to be utilized in such a way if it is the case.  

Lies travel at the speed of life.  Dysfunctionally, inordinately, and so much more speedily than we ever realized...until it catches up with us.  And, as I've had an idiotic epiphany only moments ago, anything that requires recanting later is a lie of some sort.  Even if we've only lied to ourselves...it's just as debilitating.  I can FEEL myself getting closer to ME.  The more I let go of the childish ideas that were bore into me--the drivel that almost everyone I know subscribes to--the more at peace I start to feel with my core.  The hang up here is that sometimes I have difficulties discerning what exactly is truth for me and what is not.  I've held on pretty steadfastly to some of my "convictions" or "beliefs" that I'm struggling with knowing whether I do actually believe them or not.  

Of course, lies from others only complicate the whole mess--this is really my conundrum.  If I can keep a person at arms length, or at least away from me intimately, trust is almost never an issue.  However, almost instantly when that intimacy barrier is crossed words mean nothing and it is all reduced down to actions.  I'm grappling with this in a somewhat universal sense, as well as a personal one.  Part of the "square peg/round hole" riddle, with me, is that I will test people that I either CAN care about very deeply or already do to the point of pushing them away (intentionally) to simply see if they'll actually find me worthwhile enough to take it.  I have gotten so severe with this practice that I feel I might almost deliberately try to ruin someone's life or make such a complete disaster out of it just to see how far they would go to keep me in their life.  It makes utter and complete sense...in a lunatic sort of way.  

Pain travels at the speed of life.  But a dull...unused....and unloved life.  Which means that it is perceived as traveling much slower than other experiences, and essentially magnifies the agony as it's the only conceivable thing to focus on.  The pangs of lies still resonate with me and are greatly amplified, I suppose, because of this.  To explain, the pain is not from the actual experience...but the sense of worthlessness I acquired from it.  To feel worthy again is my mission.  To value myself, and hopefully one day to be valued by another, is a great ambition for me.  To even remotely think that another person may not think my heart and soul is precious might be too much for me to bear, again.

The struggles we face within ourselves are immeasurable by a conceivable unit of calculation.  And so....my ongoing struggles with myself can only be quantified at the speed of life.  Indeterminable when it might all end...and an anticipatory desire for a, at the very least, contented result.  

Here's to immeasurable experiences, growth, new endeavors, and deep fears.  Let's hope the latter travels from my life at the speed of light.

Time.

An interesting concept, time.  

Strangely, I've been having quite a few conversations about it as of late.  It's always interesting to hear others talk about their views on it, if they have any at all.  For me it's fascinating to hear other's views about anything really...I always love to be wrong about life!

So...TIME.  A way to measure our lives, essentially.  A quantified hypothetical/manifested element used to define so many other loosely "existing" components of life.  Of course I can almost completely understand why we need it...it's a way of grounding ourselves, of giving ourselves limitations.  Basically as human beings we don't know how to truly exist with no boundaries;  we are unable to conceive the principal of "just being."  It gets us from point A to point B, though, and with that then we learn to provide some sort of meaning to it all.  

I'm over trying to explain the obscure in too much detail. I seem to either bore individuals (and groups) fairly quickly, or I just lose them altogether, when doing so.

In any case...MY time, my length of existence, has been one filled with moments that have either seemed to be in fast-forward or slow motion.  Real-time is not a concept I grasp too firmly--although I'm positive I cannot be the only person that knows what I mean by this...at least I hope I'm not.  Forever in retrospect my moments seem to be so beautiful, or at the least interesting and worthwhile.  I have little indifference to any event in my life;  people, sure--events, not so much.  I am fortunate to truly believe I've walked away from every experience with a gained knowledge or some sort of benefit.  This thought might be equivalent to the universally [daft] cliched saying/belief that "everything happens for a reason,"  which I loathe, by the way (people choose their wording too simply all too often.)  

In any case, before I make this wholly indiscernible and too broad let me interject and say that all these thoughts are directly related to my latest "adventure." Ok--so, the concept of time, to me and in direct relation to my 11 day loafer-fest around London, is again tying into my trying to understand my place in this world.  

Rob Thomas (oh God, spare me the musical references...I KNOW) says, quite nicely I might add, that it's in these small hours that our lives are made.  

I keep losing this "supposition," although I do truly believe that.  I guess that might be in correlation to the idiotic and, again, cliched saying that "you only live once," etc.  I DO believe that IN the little moments is where it all really counts.  And to have the capability to devotedly immerse myself in them and appreciate them for how beautiful they really are would likely be one of my top 3 accomplishments in life.  I am unsure, in some ways, why I can not commit to doing this.  I get stuck in the tread-milling thoughts of societal reality, obligations, responsibilities, etc., and I seemingly can not afford myself the invaluable opportunity of getting swept off my feet by Life.  

No matter how bitter or afraid I become of life and of all of its uncertainties, I will, I'm afraid, always have a flicker of hope inside of me that one day....maybe....I'll have that dream of bliss cloaked in love, affection, and ultimate happiness.  We all have our pursuits of happiness, and if we look closely enough we can see so many of them in daily happenings.  Learning the art of being undisciplined in the precisely the right moments is where the trick just might lie, and it seems to be a difficult one to learn.  Again...it all boils down to balance.  

Tick.               Tick.                                                             Tick.  

Time seems to feel much more slowed down when you have something you'd much rather be experiencing.  

Like LIFE, for example.