Admissions.

For a little background--I am not a particularly shy person about my shortcomings.  This does not mean that I support unreserved advertising and outpouring of every private piece of information one might have; what it does mean, however, is that I reached a place in my life where I felt very comforted in the belief that I did not have to carry around years of shame until I die.  That I, too, was allowed grace, and I could ultimately forgive myself.

I don't believe that others have to extend their forgiveness to me, my life, or my decisions.  This comes from truly believing that I don't have a right to expect anything from others; I will be judged by others, I will not always be forgiven, and my actions certainly will not always be met with approval.  

But, I will not carry the judgments of others as my burden.  That is their burden to carry.

With that being said, I've been periodically chastised over the past several years for how I have chosen to practice and live.  I've come to understand that the way I strive to live, although often failing, and my adopted beliefs, have been misconstrued and interpreted as my being pretentious and self-righteous, and, dare I say, even misleading.  

So, I made a weird decision today.  I decided that I would advertise some of my life.  I decided that I would show whomever decides to read this that I am not afraid of being candid; that whatever outside judgments there might be would be better focused on what I have actually done or do believe.  I wouldn't want to waste those judgments on pure speculation.  Eat up!

LET'S START WITH SOME OF MY MORE "UNHOLIER" BELIEFS

• I believe in abortion.  I believe in abortion for many reasons, but in the general sense, I believe in it because I believe that society is currently failing our youth in many ways.  Resources for learning how to be a healthy parent are scarily difficult to access, leaving many children under-guided; the media propagates the high value of sex appeal, pleasure without consequence, and the privileges of "adulthood;" and sex education has been reduced to a swap meet for exchanging bragging rights and flavoured condoms.  OUR YOUTH HAVE NO YOUTH.  They are burdened with the responsibility of making adult decisions long before they are mentally or emotionally capable of understanding the full scope of the outcomes of those decisions.  Brawn/beauty is valued over "brains," and these children maintain that childlike mentality well into their adult years. Because of this, I can not bear to assert that a 19 year-old who can't even decide what to major in at University should be responsible for understanding the spectrum of consequences which await them after impulsivity.  Impulsiveness has been a prized quality due to the romanticism which has swept our nation.  I believe in abortion because we have given our youth the keys to the playground without posting the rules of play. We are now so complex that many parents believe their kids are being cheated of their youth (and they are in many ways), and that they should be allowed some fun, but unfortunately the parents don't have the time to supervise, so the kids are left to suss it all out on their own.  OF COURSE A CHILD IS GOING TO CHOOSE INSTANT PLEASURE.  We're teaching them to.  I believe in abortion because all we've said is "Don't have sex or you'll get an std/get pregnant/get her pregnant."  But we haven't spent the hours and days needed to explain to those children that babies are hard, pregnancy is hard, supporting another life is hard, getting rid of an oozy penis/crusty cooter is hard! And until we have given our youth that education, we can NOT expect for them to make educated decisions.  So, I believe in abortion because we allow our children to be educated by everything and everyone, trusting their underdeveloped judgment, and expect an outcome that won't affect US.  Abortion, in the broad and commonly perceived notion of irresponsibility, is our burden to bear as a society because we are not doing our part to parent our children fully.

• I don't believe in "God."  I don't believe in God not because I believe in some other form of spirituality; it's not because I have been persuaded or disenchanted; it's not because I have been exposed to "Satan;" it's not because I "gave up" or was weak; I don't believe in God because I just don't.  It doesn't work for ME.  I believe that spiritual beliefs are beautiful, cathartic, and foundationally good.  I believe that, for many, faith in something higher is extremely beneficial.  I have just simply found a different way, which I feel works best for ME, to walk through this life.  I don't force my beliefs on others, and most often don't even talk about my deeply personal beliefs with others.  I don't feel pulled to persuade anyone from their beliefs or towards mine.  I believe in live-and-let-live.  I have invested in the idea that I want the right to believe in whatever I feel works for me, and that others deserve that consideration as well.  I don't think anyone who believes in God, gods, animism, or ju-ju is delusional.  I am comforted with all the good deeds in the world, and bad, enough to trust that there is a balance which I need to respect.  And even though I do not fulfill my own expectations often, I believe in compassion, forgiveness, and acceptance. 

• I believe that, as adults, we are responsible for every single thing that happens in our lives.  When I found out that my marriage had been violated by adultery, I took responsibility.  Sure, my husband was the one who decided he liked his penis better inside of  a stripper.  But, I refused to blame anyone else for my pain.  I refused to be ravaged with contempt, resentment, and hatred.  That's not to say I didn't have my moments of weakness, because I did, but I didn't allow it to rule my life or decisions.  I decided that even if my pain didn't allow me to see my shared responsibility in the situation, it was still there, and ONE DAY I would be able to see it.  I also decided that I would be responsible for any and all actions I took after finding out, and that once I had grown past the pain, I would need to be able to respect myself.  So, I chose compassion instead of retaliation (most of the time).  This is an extreme example, but I'm using it to emphasize my point--we can always make excuses to abdicate ourselves of responsibility.  But, according to my beliefs, if ANYTHING affects us, then there is a tie. . .there is something amidst the pain, anger, etc., that binds us to the situation.  One can not be affected by something that they have no tie to.  So, in the end, I believe that if we look hard enough, we'll certainly be able to find our role in any situation.  It's simply up to each of us whether or not we want to accept the responsibilities of that.

MORE TO COME LATER.

Until then,

xx