A similarity between light and life, that I happen to enjoy, is that it exists whether we can actually see it or not. And while some animals can see light in ways that humans can not, so it can be said about life. Also (I think I'll start every sentence with an A, will I?)...ahem, ALSO, select human beings somehow manage to see the spectrum of life differently than what I might say MOST do. I particularly NEED these people. As it stands I am on a whole other wave length than the majority of people that I know. I know, we ALL feel "so alone" in so many ways and to consider myself unique in that sense is insensitive and altogether unrealistic. However, I feel like I am in an experiment in which there is a control group and I am the free radical.
Or maybe I'm a placebo. I don't know. I can imagine it all now, "Here, take this and let us know if you see an improvement." And of course, people think they're improved by me....but really, it's always been in them to be who I showed them they could be. I was just a boost of confidence is all. In any case, I'm happy to be utilized in such a way if it is the case.
Lies travel at the speed of life. Dysfunctionally, inordinately, and so much more speedily than we ever realized...until it catches up with us. And, as I've had an idiotic epiphany only moments ago, anything that requires recanting later is a lie of some sort. Even if we've only lied to ourselves...it's just as debilitating. I can FEEL myself getting closer to ME. The more I let go of the childish ideas that were bore into me--the drivel that almost everyone I know subscribes to--the more at peace I start to feel with my core. The hang up here is that sometimes I have difficulties discerning what exactly is truth for me and what is not. I've held on pretty steadfastly to some of my "convictions" or "beliefs" that I'm struggling with knowing whether I do actually believe them or not.
Of course, lies from others only complicate the whole mess--this is really my conundrum. If I can keep a person at arms length, or at least away from me intimately, trust is almost never an issue. However, almost instantly when that intimacy barrier is crossed words mean nothing and it is all reduced down to actions. I'm grappling with this in a somewhat universal sense, as well as a personal one. Part of the "square peg/round hole" riddle, with me, is that I will test people that I either CAN care about very deeply or already do to the point of pushing them away (intentionally) to simply see if they'll actually find me worthwhile enough to take it. I have gotten so severe with this practice that I feel I might almost deliberately try to ruin someone's life or make such a complete disaster out of it just to see how far they would go to keep me in their life. It makes utter and complete sense...in a lunatic sort of way.
Pain travels at the speed of life. But a dull...unused....and unloved life. Which means that it is perceived as traveling much slower than other experiences, and essentially magnifies the agony as it's the only conceivable thing to focus on. The pangs of lies still resonate with me and are greatly amplified, I suppose, because of this. To explain, the pain is not from the actual experience...but the sense of worthlessness I acquired from it. To feel worthy again is my mission. To value myself, and hopefully one day to be valued by another, is a great ambition for me. To even remotely think that another person may not think my heart and soul is precious might be too much for me to bear, again.
The struggles we face within ourselves are immeasurable by a conceivable unit of calculation. And so....my ongoing struggles with myself can only be quantified at the speed of life. Indeterminable when it might all end...and an anticipatory desire for a, at the very least, contented result.
Here's to immeasurable experiences, growth, new endeavors, and deep fears. Let's hope the latter travels from my life at the speed of light.
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