Eros?

Throughout my "adult" life I've often found myself wondering how it is that I had ever managed to get over the loss of my great loves.  

Before I proceed I'll say here that while, technically, in the U.S. I was considered an adult at 18, legally and ordained so by myself, I am starting to truly believe that I'm only now coming into my adulthood....at 26.

I have a great capacity to love.  I am curious if this might actually be stupidity, in that when normal people are hurt by love they're smart enough to let themselves grieve and eventually heal;  oftentimes they also end up shutting out certain things in life with regards to love, as well, though.  I believe I have illusions of love.  I also believe I have aversions to love in some ways.  Nevertheless, "love," even in it's most shallow disguises, never seems to evade me for long.  

I am not sure what love really is anymore.  As a child, and until this very moment, I believed it to be a set of rules that I'd been informed of infused with overwhelming feelings of desire, need, intimacy and something brought down from On High.  I absolutely put the entire notion of love into the hands of fate and God and some mystical forces that were forever beyond my realm of understanding.  And while it is still beyond my realm of understanding, I'm over putting my feelings and entire future into the hands of some unknown destiny.  I am almost pretty sure that in order to have the Adonis I must first pick up the proper tools:  Understanding.  

Did I take a piece of my loves with me?  I am not sure.  Some of them are evident in me almost daily, for others it takes concentration and effort, but I can still find a memory or two.  This is the double edged sword of intimacy...true intimacy is never forgotten.  I have had many loves and lovers and there isn't one that I don't still have some fondness for.  Whether he was a rebound or a disaster, a great love or a fleeting  romance, I loved them as wholly as I knew and very particularly.  I could never regret a single one, no matter how disastrous the "ending" might have been.  

So, I have a small piece of each of them with me, yet I'm wondering HOW exactly did I move on?  There were a few, in fact, that I fervently believed I would never make it another day, let alone years, without them.  Of course it was always more devastating when I believed I was the one being left and not vice versa (which indicates something more serious like the devastation of loss of control rather than love).  There are some that are still particularly painful to think about, while with others there is simply an indifference...I thank God for indifference.  My aching is not for the loss of the love but simply just another loss altogether and it is almost too much to bear at times.  And, again, I find myself wondering HOW did I ever manage to get over these pangs of abandonment and betrayal of love and loyalty before?